Please make it stop

Battling depression isn't easy; I lost count of how many times I cried and pretended to smile. Although I have a strong support system with me right now but it still feels vacant inside this heart. It feels like as if my life is slipping away from my grasp, I could never catch up with what's happening to me. I woke up everyday feeling like a mess, and in between my days I fell apart. Everyday is a struggle; you don't want your loved one to know how deep inside you're not feeling good enough, you don't want to see the disenchanted glimpse in your lover's eyes. I've been playing Russian Roulette with fate, with my emotion and my mental health. Everyday is a gamble, of whether I could come home feeling like I accomplished something or I could crawl back home feeling like I fucked my life up.

I thought I am recovering from depression, I thought that it was easy to shake off this disease and live a happier life. I was wrong, I never thought that the devil could mask his evil by disguising my thought into thinking I will be happy. I started to see myself falling apart, losing hopes and slowly the need to hurt myself came back. But I don't want to disappoint my family, they mean the world to me. Even if I'm falling apart, I could never break down in front of them. I pick up the pieces and try to fix my wound, but right now depression hits me harder and harder. 

I see the world in black and white. Sometimes days are bright in color and some other times, nights get darker than the color of ebony. I wish to float away and leave this pain but it still is gonna haunt me for the rest of my life. 

I need to stop this nightmare.