Faking Life



I looked at my bloody hands as they’re trembling so badly. I could feel the fast beat of my heart, for the fear of dying I was stuck in between, crying over what I had done to end my misery. I couldn't think straight, it felt like it was the end of my time. All day and all night I got on my knees and prayed hard to escape this nightmare. Today He shows me the way to accomplish my dream. But I didn’t know the pain could be so unbearable, and now I wish for death to come more sweetly than it actually offered. As I struggled to breathe I thought of the time I was happy. I could see the smile plastered on my face inside my mind. Even if it was just me faking my happiness, even if it was just an act I perfectly performed in front of everyone… but little did they know I was fighting this battle alone. I came to realize that my life was already over right before my eyes. So this was my last attempt to finally say goodbye, if anyone care. 

so close

I'm so close to losing hope;
disenchanted, defiant, 
madness overwhelms my broken heart

I'm so close to slitting my arms;
the desire to bruise myself 
is slowly seeping through my thoughts

I'm so close to madness,
I'm so close.

I could feel the heavy cloud
circling on top of me
I'm so close to asphyxiation
so close to losing my breath
so close.

Farewell, past memories and anxious nights
for in death and pain we shall unite again.

Please make it stop

Battling depression isn't easy; I lost count of how many times I cried and pretended to smile. Although I have a strong support system with me right now but it still feels vacant inside this heart. It feels like as if my life is slipping away from my grasp, I could never catch up with what's happening to me. I woke up everyday feeling like a mess, and in between my days I fell apart. Everyday is a struggle; you don't want your loved one to know how deep inside you're not feeling good enough, you don't want to see the disenchanted glimpse in your lover's eyes. I've been playing Russian Roulette with fate, with my emotion and my mental health. Everyday is a gamble, of whether I could come home feeling like I accomplished something or I could crawl back home feeling like I fucked my life up.

I thought I am recovering from depression, I thought that it was easy to shake off this disease and live a happier life. I was wrong, I never thought that the devil could mask his evil by disguising my thought into thinking I will be happy. I started to see myself falling apart, losing hopes and slowly the need to hurt myself came back. But I don't want to disappoint my family, they mean the world to me. Even if I'm falling apart, I could never break down in front of them. I pick up the pieces and try to fix my wound, but right now depression hits me harder and harder. 

I see the world in black and white. Sometimes days are bright in color and some other times, nights get darker than the color of ebony. I wish to float away and leave this pain but it still is gonna haunt me for the rest of my life. 

I need to stop this nightmare.