A note to myself, and to other people as well.

I always get emotional when talking about depression and suicide. My eyes cant stop crying whenever I heard stories of those survivors. I knew exactly how it feels to be a survivor. I knew how it feels like when you're pushed to your weakest point and the only solution you can think of is suicide. I knew the heavy cloud you bear on top of your head, how you wish people could see it so they would understand, but they could never see the dark mist surrounding your soul.

You're not alone. I can see the demon on your shoulder. Because I've gone through the same thing too.

I used to be suicidal. I used to think that death could be the escapade I need. I used to drown myself in abusive thoughts, wishing for my life to end sooner. But music found me. I felt the connection through those words. The electric feeling that jolted my mind and stopped my hands from taking the knife. I knew this suicidal battle you have inside you. And now I found another thing that keeps me alive, that is by writing poetry and stories about this madness running through my mind.

I am not promoting suicide even though I seem to be writing about it for so long. Maybe this is my way of expressing the darkest gloomiest feeling that is instilled inside me. Maybe this is the only form of suicide I allow myself to commit. But I wish I could reach out to people, I wish I am able to support them to keep on living.

I am not fully cured. There are days where I feel like I shouldn't exist and I cant find meaning to life. There are sleepless nights I spent thinking of ways to immediately disappear from this world. Despite all these frightening ghosts trying to lure me into death, I fought back. I want to see the sunshine, I want to feel the warm embrace of its shining rays, I want to go out and live.

People used to say I'm a fraud, that this feeling is just an illusion I created for attention. Some say I need help, I need medication for my sorrow. But I dont trust that a bottle full of "happy pills" can keep me sane. It's just a catalyst, and in the end I still think of all the frights I see in my sleep that drive me mad.

I dont pretend to be depressed. There are many factors that caused me to be this twisted person. These people didnt know me too well, they didnt know the suffering I've faced the entire time that leads me to the hell of madness, they didnt even know my real name. I dont blame them for that, I know how society works, with all the judgments and hates they spit out of their mouth.

So here I am, trying to tell people to live their life even though it's a shitty life they may have. Because you are worth it, you are needed at least to some people. Find ways to express your darkest thought, find ways to release the beast in you. One day you'll look back at those insomniac nights and think of how strong you are to survive such torturing life. Be a fighter, keep living and fighting for your own battle.

Can you feel my heart?

Ever feel like killing yourself but you have no valid reason for doing so? Do you ever feel the endless boredom surrounding your days? Ever feel like crying while you were pretending to laugh?

It sucks to hide all these ugly feelings just to make sure you don't offend people around you. But deep down inside, your demon is torturing you with his wicked whispers. You drag your feet, swaying here and there, but you feel like your soul is leaving you behind. Your soul is flying above the sky and you're left with nothing but a rotten body.

Because you cannot find what's broken, you're clueless on how to fix the broken. You think you're happy, you have it all, but there is a void inside you. You look for anything to fill up the hole, but everything seems useless. You feel worthless, so you wish you are brave enough to take your mind to the wonderland but no amount of pain can bring you there. So you're stuck, repeating all the pretending throughout your life.

One day you realize, you've wasted your life for nothing. You achieve nothing, you are nothing. So you get down on your knees and pray to God to take you sooner. You want to see the light, you want to see heaven. You wish for serenity, because there is a chaos in your heart that craves for peace.

So here I am, standing next to you, and slowly I hand you the pass to the light you've wanted for so long. You take it from my hand and you slit your wrist. You fall for my trick. You fall for my speech.

But it's okay, because I can feel your heart wanting for death more than anyone else around you.
I cry for
      the pain you devour in your dream
      the misery I hear in your scream
      the sadness you feel to the extreme

and slowly I walk you
through the gate of heaven
and slowly you whisper to me
walk me to thru this depression

I cry on the day you finally join me 
in this ebony starless daydream....
locked beneath the heavy lids
gasping for air to breathe
shaking and trembling, my lips
help me, i want to leave

this darkness, it seemed soothing
but my eyes, i was blinded
trapped in uncertainty, nothing.
nothing in here i needed

cold, it got colder in here
everything was unnerving
no whisper, but i fear
i fear this sickening

good bye morning lights
and hello starless nights

Depression. It's like living with someone you love to hate. You wish for it to be gone, but once it leaves you, you feel so alone it hurts. You try to hold on to it, but it damages you. You trash it, but you end up picking it back. You bury it deeper under the dirty soil, but you cant sleep at night without it. That is what I have to deal with everyday. I wish for this mental state of mind to be gone, away from me but when it disappears, I feel empty.

Day by day, my life is getting better. A happier life, I thought I wish for that. But depression is like an old friend who stays by your side for such a long time. An old friend who you hate when he is there, suffocating you with pain and misery but once he walks away, you long for him to stay. I wish I could erase this feeling, but those tiny grasps over my soul are tormenting me. Emptiness, even surrounded by people who love you, is a lot worse to deal with.

If you want to leave me, just leave without a trace. Because having to deal with goodbyes is so much painful for me to endure. Good bye, depressed nights and weary heart.