Have you ever been constantly pushed to your lowest breaking point? How does it feel deep inside your heart when people wont stop accusing you of something you have no control? I feel like I'm spinning in an endless cold pool, with nothing but a dead beat stillness silhouetted on the surface of the water. I feel happy on the outside, I could feel the warm tingling my senses, sending red blushes and adrenaline rush upon my cheeks but as I swim deeper into the water, everything seems to be shattering, and it's tearing me apart. I could suddenly feel the shallowness hitting me like a slap on the face. I could painfully observe how quiet it is down here, how it is so scary to be swimming around in this voiceless pool.

I thought that when I have a chance to build a new life, I could escape this deadly pool. But I keep on going back, to this haunted pool inside my heart. I couldn't break free, I'm trapped in between. I was broken. When I was given a chance to revive my deadly heart, and I was almost so sure that I could make it, but this pool is dragging down me into my grave. Is it possible to run from your own shadow? Is it easy to leave behind your own ghost? I'm not sure, because every time I try to run, I find myself running in circle. I've been chasing myself, escaping from myself. It's like I couldn't escape my fate that is to be restricted to this pool and no more further steps could I go. Maybe this is my fate, this is what I have to do, to loyally sacrifice myself to the monster hiding underneath the icy water.

A pair of new eyes.

It's like you were given a pair of new eyes. You see the world turning upside down, wondering why you're stuck in the middle of this delusional dimension. Through this pair of new eyes you begin to see within the lines, you see distinctly those masks people put on their face. It makes you think, whether you too, are a part of this false pretense? Life gets harder when you were given this pair of new eyes. You thought you could distinguish nightmares from sugar-coated dreams, you thought you would be able to know which promises are made to be kept, which promises are just a bunch of made up lies. But this pair of new eyes, they just give you vivid imagery of how the world progress, it's up to you to determine on what to do. No one could push the button, you are your own God.

But this pair of new eyes, they brought hope altogether. You see the world differently, some thought you painted it black but deep down in your heart you keep a little bit of hope, intertwined with some bullshit truths you ought to believe. You are your own hero, you are your own savior. Through this vision you've seen with this pair of new eyes, you find clues to fix all of your questions. Sometimes when it gets even harder you wish you could just play dead.

Sadly, this pair of new eyes is just there to show you the way. You choose which path to take, you pick which lane to drift.
shivering underneath this hole
i wait and wait, for a hand to hold me close
hoping that one day i will find my way out
but god didnt hear me, god didnt see me

i feel so lonely 
surrounded by many
this sickening pain 
pricks my wallowing heart
i hope for a hand to pull me out 

my inner sanctum is no longer purified
see through these teary-stained eyes
running black drops of blackened tears
that smear my mascara
upon my porcelain white skin

this little space of hope
this small void of peace
is slowing closing in
and i'm still trapped in between

i hope for a hand to wipe away my tears

a year older, she said to herself.
what was it that she wishes to accomplish,
since now that her age is getting older?
a spouse? a house?
or is it freedom from her fucked up family?

she wishes to escape:
to escape her tormenting life and find peace
to escape her judgmental "holier than thou" family
to escape from those people who belittle her choices
but it is not easy to escape.
because to run away means selfishness.
it shows to people that she is weak,
unable to endure the tortures from people around her.

why must they conquer her mind?
she thought that when she is older,
she has power to determine.
but the truth is, she is still under control of them freaks,
who are great at making her feel like a complete loser.

alone, alone on her birthday.
everything feels so bitter.
her birthday, year by year, is getting worse.
it seems like she is insignificant to people around her.

but that boy, that boy whom people criticized,
had been there for her.
he treasured her, especially on her birthday.
she wished people would see this side of him,
and stop with their judgments.

people are not perfect.
we keep on looking for perfection,
but we forgot one thing:
we, too, are not perfect.