within me, I found none.

but all I have is me.

The pain
The suffering
are delusional
and all I have
is my own shattered self.

I am alone, in my own world.
within every word you spoke
I heard you, telling me not to go
telling me how I should stay
but leaving you is what I will do

within every smoke we had
I heard you, begging me not to
wake up from this magical dream
we both are in, but I must go

within every tears you shed
I saw you, crying your heart out
so that I wont wake up and
leave you hanging alone

but I must go, to the real world
and forget all these memories we have...

Happy Birthday, dear you.

“If I had a flower for every time I thought of you... I could walk through my garden forever.”  ― Alfred Tennyson.

This might be the last thing I want to write about you. Do I miss you? Yes, I did. Do I think of you? Yes, all the time. Do I regret things happened this way to us? Yes, but I will not look back. I think we both are better off from each other because we could live even more happier without seeing each other. It's not easy to leave behind a friend, I never did that before. I am used to people leaving me, and although you keep saying I am the one who left you all the time, I just want you to think who's actually leaving before this. I'm not saying I'm perfect, I am far from the word perfect itself, but I tried my best to help you, to save you from drowning. I am fragile, my friend, I am driven mad by my fear, my anger, my ego, so I drove you off. I knew I always missed your birthday when we were friends, I'm not good in remembering birthdays but today, I do remember your date of birth. I have a lot in my mind before things changed between us, I wanna celebrate your day together. I want to bring you to the hip cafe, get you Starbucks, get you to karaoke and sing all night long, take you to a night drive, listen to your jam on the stereo. These are all the things I wish to do with you on your birthday. I guess it is a fool for me to think of such things when I am the one who walked away, right?

I still care about you, though you might think I am blaming you for all the mess, chasing you away, angry at you, but deep down I cannot forget all the good things we had done together, all the memories are still in my mind. It hurts me a lot when those memories flashed back inside my mind, sending signals to my aching heart. I don't have that many friends, I value every friends I have no matter how good or bad they are, but with you I seek perfection. Maybe that is what's wrong with our friendship. I feel used by you, and I feel like this has to stop. I am haunted by guilt, if you wanna laugh at my shallowness I don't care, this is the best decision I have done so far, this decision to stay away from you, because I don't want to keep on hurting you with my angry words. I want to send you off with happiness, not tears of hatred. But you didn't see this right through me, you will never know. We didn't have the chance to talk about it like adults do, I am so childish to leave you gaping alone for air, while you're in dire need of help, but I don't want to keep hurting you on and on. That's why I left you alone, to give you space to fix your life and get back on the right pace. This is my selfish decision ever, because I was thinking about me not getting hurt by you. I guess you will laugh at my stupidity, right?

 I didn't forget your birthday this time. I didn't. Seeing you live your life with happiness, gave me happiness too. I hope you're sailing away on the right direction, with the right company. I don't blame you for all these hateful times we both spent together, I blamed myself. Happy birthday, dear friend. This is my last words for you. I hope I can forget you, because remembering you only brings pain to my heart, and that leaves me wanting to hate you even more. Have a nice life, even without me you can still be the shining star, I know that.