Of late night drive, tunnel song and a pack of cigars.
It was already late at night, she was feeling empty and sad all over again. She saw this vast blackness inside her head, this gaping hole seemed like it was waiting for the right moment to swallow her alive. She took her keys, left her hell-house and went for a night drive, alone. She drove that night to clear her head off. The thing she always did to clear her mind. It was so dark all around her, she saw nothingness on the street, and it made her felt sad again.
She put on some music on her radio, the music was her tunnel songs because they are so mellow and melancholic. Tunnels reminded her of the hole inside her heart. She wished she could just drive herself out of the tunnel inside her heart. With just these sad songs accompanying her, all she needed right now was the sense of belonging. No one ever needed her, nobody ever saw her talent, maybe because she was not good with making connection, maybe because she was always spaced out whenever she was in the big crowd. It was hard for someone like her to go out and make friend, because she was hurt before, so it was like a trauma for her if she eventually lost someone she put her trust on.
She lighted up a cigarette. Smoke filled the car and her mind, shrouding her heart with sadness and misery. Her mind was clouded with suicidal thoughts all the time. People said she was looking for attention by being gloomy and melancholic all the time, but nobody asked her if she was okay or not. People kept speculating, and these judgments made her sick. She tried to erase all of the mean things people said to her, but those words seemed like hanging inside her mind, those mean things were like a flashback of words that kept replaying all over again in her corrupted mind. She was sad, and people mocked her for being sad.
She stopped the car. Robbers by The 1975 was her choice that night, it calmed her down. She took a deep breath, she smoked another two cigars, and dawn was approaching. Coldness she felt, mixed with the heavy cloud of sadness in her heart, was making her shivering. "Ah, another sunrise, another misery!" she thought. She was too scared to think of what might happen the next day, everyday. Would people keep on hating her, or would she give up on life? It was true that the suicidal thoughts were inside her mind all the time, but she chose to live. Life was not meaningless, but people made it meaningless. She wanted to ignore those people, and live for herself. Another sadness inside her heart was gone just by seeing the sunrise, what a miracle the sunrise could be.
by 大崎 ナナ