so far it's alright

I was busy being altruistic
I ignored my own heart and 
cared for other people too much
in the end I was hurting
but so far it's alright.

I lived in such a delusional life
I saw what's good in everyone
but I forgot, people are not that kind
some are cruel, some will hurt you
and to think that I will get hurt this bad
is something I am not prepared for
but so far it's alright.

Grief smote me, pain shot me
I thought about how torn I am now
nothing seemed to be fine
everything was a mess
I couldn't say it anymore
because so far, it's not alright.

So devastated. So jaded. So broken.
But so far it's alright.

coffee and cigars

I can't stop staring at your reflection inside my mind,
everything is perfect, the sound of your voice
satisfies me.
But you left.
You walk away, you don't look back at me.
I got hurt by the time you stand up
and walk away.

I drink your favorite coffee.
I smoke your favorite cigars.
I live by the reflection of you.
Can you see how sad I am now?

I wish I can have you back
together we're much happier
to be alone without you
is a suffering I must face
because now you're gone
you left me with bittersweet memories.

Bruise me.

She said, "Bruise me."

He walked away without saying goodbye. Goodbye was for pussies. He wont say goodbye because he knew he would come back to her. He just hated saying goodbye. He didn't believe in goodbyes. But she was impatiently waiting for him to say goodbye, one last final goodbye.

He didn't care. He didn't feel like it.

She cried, she cried and she said, "Bruise me with your goodbye, please. This hanging situation is not what I would want ever from you."

But he still refused to say goodbye. No, the pain of leaving your loved one alone in the middle of the night, waiting for her to sleep before you could kiss her goodbye, was not what he would have wanted right now. He would just stand there, watching her sleep with sobbing tears on her face as it brought tranquility to him. It didn't matter if he didn't say goodbye. He was happy to be her guardian angel, though she didn't know he was there, watching her and protecting her from nightmares.

She was in pain, because he left her without one last word. He was gone, just like the wind. He flew away from her, from life, from the world. She couldn't handle the sickness inside her aching heart. Why wouldn't he say goodbye? Was it supposed to be this way?

He stood still, in every corner of her heart he lurked, because he never did say goodbye to her. He haunted her heart, her mind, her soul with his ghost-like presence. He could see her, he could feel her but he could never say goodbye to her. He was not ready to let go of her.

She said, "Bruise me with your goodbye."

Of late night drive, tunnel song and a pack of cigars.

It was already late at night, she was feeling empty and sad all over again. She saw this vast blackness inside her head, this gaping hole seemed like it was waiting for the right moment to swallow her alive. She took her keys, left her hell-house and went for a night drive, alone. She drove that night to clear her head off. The thing she always did to clear her mind. It was so dark all around her, she saw nothingness on the street, and it made her felt sad again.

She put on some music on her radio, the music was her tunnel songs because they are so mellow and melancholic. Tunnels reminded her of the hole inside her heart. She wished she could just drive herself out of the tunnel inside her heart. With just these sad songs accompanying her, all she needed right now was the sense of belonging. No one ever needed her, nobody ever saw her talent, maybe because she was not good with making connection, maybe because she was always spaced out whenever she was in the big crowd. It was hard for someone like her to go out and make friend, because she was hurt before, so it was like a trauma for her if she eventually lost someone she put her trust on.

She lighted up a cigarette. Smoke filled the car and her mind, shrouding her heart with sadness and misery. Her mind was clouded with suicidal thoughts all the time. People said she was looking for attention by being gloomy and melancholic all the time, but nobody asked her if she was okay or not. People kept speculating, and these judgments made her sick. She tried to erase all of the mean things people said to her, but those words seemed like hanging inside her mind, those mean things were like a flashback of words that kept replaying all over again in her corrupted mind. She was sad, and people mocked her for being sad.

She stopped the car. Robbers by The 1975 was her choice that night, it calmed her down. She took a deep breath, she smoked another two cigars, and dawn was approaching. Coldness she felt, mixed with the heavy cloud of sadness in her heart, was making her shivering. "Ah, another sunrise, another misery!" she thought. She was too scared to think of what might happen the next day, everyday. Would people keep on hating her, or would she give up on life? It was true that the suicidal thoughts were inside her mind all the time, but she chose to live. Life was not meaningless, but people made it meaningless. She wanted to ignore those people, and live for herself. Another sadness inside her heart was gone just by seeing the sunrise, what a miracle the sunrise could be.

blinded by the darkness
washed away by pain
this suffering inside me
tortured me silently
and before i realized
my heart was already dead

screaming at your ghost
was the only thing i could do
i blamed you for all my pain
but the damage was my own fault, really
i should've let you tortured me completely....

go away, go away from me
or maybe i fly away from you
this nightmare between us
trapped you and me
in a relationship we didn't want 
so i'm ending this suffering
i killed you and left you alone
i had to, i wanna be free
from you and your tortures
let me go....

but your ghost is still haunting me
waiting for me to break down
creeping underneath my pain and misery
your ghost is hiding behind me
thrusting dozens of tiny blades
of guilt into my heart
your ghost is still torturing me....