Why God?

She asked God why didn't he create everyone equally. Why couldn't God create everybody the same? Why couldn't God create everyone equally pretty, skinny, tall? Why couldn't God create everybody equally rich and happy? Why there are a lot of differences in a person to put a thin line between each other?

But she forgot that God created everything for a reason.

If everyone was the same, if everybody was equal, then people would not learn to appreciate differences. People would be the same, and uniformity wasn't always good. If everyone was rich and pretty, would they know what suffering is? Would they know what beauty really is? 

She wished she could be like everyone else. Pretty, skinny, rich. But she wasn't. And she couldn't stop praying to be like them. To the point she started to question God's agenda. 

The truth is, she fails to see her own beauty, her own happiness, her own talent, her own self.

Cold Water

It felt like I'm trapped under the cold dark water. It felt like I'm suffocating, there's no more air for me to breathe. The presence of this sickening air choked me, pale blue lips and bloodshot eyes my face turned to. The more I looked at the spinning world around me, the more I felt sick. Disgusted by the empty shallow lies people are re-telling everyday, I threw my fist up in the air, trying to significance my hatred to all these bullshits around me.

I gazed at everyone around me. I frowned upon them because I knew they ignored me. They didn't see me suffocating, they didn't see me drowning. The louder I screamed for help, the more far they inched away. How could no one save me from this suffocating life? Maybe because the presence of my ghost was not felt by them. Maybe because my ghost was just a thin air. "I am fathomless. I am hard to be understood by everyone." I thought about this all over again. This bloody disguise I wore on my face was no longer a disguise. It became me, it defined me.

Save me from this icy cold water that suffocated me, please?

Goodbye Anna

"These scars wont heal." Anna heard the voice talked to her. She looked at her wounded arms. Both of her arms were scratched by sharp blade that she used to chase away the pain inside her heart. These scars wont heal, and so did my wounded heart, she said to herself. The pain was still here, deep and rotting inside her vulnerable heart. How to make the pain go away? No one knew the answer.

She looked at the clouded sky. She wished she could fly up there and search for the tranquility of her soul. But she was still standing on the ground, she couldn't fly yet. Could someone teach her how to fly?

The voice whispered to her again. She kept hearing those whispers but she didn't know who owned the voice. Maybe it's God talking to her. Maybe it's the angel saying hello to her. Nobody knew, no one heard the voice except for Anna herself.

"Anna, you don't belong here."
"Anna, you should die."

Anna looked at the sharp razor as the twinkle of that razor caught her attention. It drew her closer to the temptation to hurt herself. The temptation was driving her right hand to slowly slit her left wrist. She took a deep breath, her hand shakily pressed the blade onto her pulse as she was ready to die. The whispers kept on talking to her. She cut too deep this time. She cut herself to death. The whispers cheered for her, the whispers greeted her with pain and loneliness.

"Goodbye, Anna."
"Nobody cares if your heart is aching."

Yes, no one cares if I am aching, hurting and damaging.

now playing

#nowplaying: Take It Out On Me – Bullet For My Valentine

He closed his ears with both of his hands. The shouting that came from the outside his room was blaring, even the song from his stereo couldn’t top that voice. It was his parent’s voice. Both were fighting, again. They had been fighting for so long, and he couldn’t understand the reason why they were shouting at each other. Was it about him? Sometimes he wondered if they could stop the fight and make out with each other. The fight would normally last for two hours of shouting and screaming. It could never be worse than that, because if it took longer hours before they stopped fighting, then it would be serious.

But, it was almost three hours now. This is serious, he thought to himself. He wanted to go outside and slapped both of them, but he couldn't do that. What was best for him to do now? Would they break the fight sooner or later? What would happen if he stopped them? Would they see the damage they had done to themselves? Wasn't a marriage supposed to be happy, he thought again? Wasn't it supposed to be happy, for the three of them? He lost it. He couldn't take it anymore. It felt like the world was on his shoulder. His parent’s world was on him. They both meant the world to him, and whatever that had been bothering his parent was his problem too.

That night, he fell asleep to the sound of his parent shouting.

#nowplaying: Forever and One – Helloween

Pain, he felt the pain of his mother when he saw how his mother cried while gazing at the picture of her wedding day. The sound from the stereo brought sadness to the space, and he couldn't come closer to his mother. He stood from afar, silently stalking the crying mother at the living room. He wished he could sit next to her, wipe her tears away from her aging cheeks, and calm her so that the pain would go. But, he just watched her cried. A twinge of melancholic stabbed him right in his chest, it felt like burning inside him. A rage he could not bear but he forced it in, hoping it would stay there and cause no harm to anyone.

As the song was played on and on, his mother cried, loudly. He closed both of his ears with his trembling hands. No, he must not interfere. There was a thin line existed between them. He couldn't cross the line, no matter how thin the line was. It stopped him from breaking in; it won’t let him enter into the other side. He could just watch his mother trapped in the line, kept in the box of suffering alone with no one to wipe her tears. It was so hard for him to let go of the image of his sobbing mother from his mind.

He slowly disappeared from where he was standing, while his mother cried and the song was kept on-repeat.
#nowplaying: Nothing Has to Happen – Hungry Ghosts

There was more fighting outside his room. They had been shouting at each other from the time his father stepped into the house. The fight had eaten him up, from the inside. No more happy family, no happier life, he thought. The sound of them fighting haunted his sleep. This bothered him. If he couldn't have a happy life in his reality, why couldn't he have a happy life in his dreams? Dreams became nightmares, and pain became close friend now. He sat on the floor, curling up his knees into his hugging arms while his parent was still fighting outside his room. He tried to enjoy the music from his radio, but the more he listened to the song, the louder the fight got.

Until there was a knock on his door, that was when the fight stopped.

He opened his door only to see his sobbing mother rushed into his room and suddenly locked the door. A banging knock was heard, accompanied by the voice of his father shouting. He ran into his mother's arm, coiled his skinny arms around her shaking body while his mother was still crying. The warmth of his mother’s body surrounded him. Everything seemed so peaceful now.

But the peace didn't last long. His father broke into the room. The door was smashed open. His father stood in front of the room with a gun in his hand. He hugged his mother tightly so that it would calm her from shaking. The fight had gone worse now. His father pointed the gun at him and his mother. His father shot the gun at both of them; bullet ran into him and his mother. Blood gushed out, pain stabbed into his chest and before he finally closed his eyes, he saw his mother falling down next to him.

At least they finally stopped fighting; he thought to himself before he closed his eyes and rested next to his mother.

The Happy Pill

Maria was a pretty girl, but with a sad heart. She smiled, but nothing could ever hide that tears in her eyes. People noticed, but they didn't care. Maria was fine, on the outside, as if she was a lively girl with a big happy heart. People were wrong.

Maria wasn't happy. Dad bailed on her. Mom was an alcoholic whore. Big brother molested her. Big sister bullied her. Friends at school laughed when she said she didn't have enough money to buy lunch. Boys were just into her tits. Her grades were not that impressive. Everything wasn't so good for her.

But she pretended that it was fine, to live a life like that.

One day, she had enough. She decided to run away from her broken life. Run wild into the happier world. Into a life where she would be much more appreciated. But did such world exist?

She took a happy pill given by her stoned friend. She found the world she wanted to live in. The world existed, in her mind. Every day she gulped the pill down her throat, hoping that she would be in the happy world again. 

Because of the happy pill, now she finally lived in the world of her own imagination. As she was living underneath the real world, underneath the soil and dirt, she lay and slept. Slept for eternity.

Behind The Shadow

his lurid eyes are staring at me,
he hides behind me, nowhere to be seen
once I stop walking
I can feel him standing
I can catch the glimpse of his shadow
I can feel him breathing on me

but when I turn my head and look behind me
he is not there anymore, he flees away
I try to stop him from leaving but
how can I hinder a shadow that
I cannot even touch at all?

he is like a ghost, standing and watching me
every time when I am not aware of his being
I feel his lurid eyes on me, again
now I know, he haunts me for so long
a madness I must live with everyday
for eternity