I would rather be criticized for doing things I love than living my life according to what people want me to be.

Dead to the World

"I feel like I'm dead to the world." I said to myself, over and over again. There is time like this when everything just seemed so delusional, and suddenly I felt like I'm already dead. I existed, but my corpse remained untouched in my own delusional grave.

"Maybe you should leave behind these demons inside you." There, it whispered to me again. The voice of an angel, I wished I could see this angel and make him stay. Because too many people walked away after saying nice things, it just made me suffered more.

"But I am already dead, to the world. How could they not notice me, when I stand right next to them?" I asked the angel that I could not see. I longed for a companion, the one who could hear me crying my guts till I drop dead and hit the bottom.

"You don't need anyone else. You just need yourself."

Bullshit.


But, did I really need people to see me?


Wallowing myself in my own sadness, keeping my thought inside my own sanctuary, preserving my feeling in my own crypt, all these things I kept to myself and now did I really need someone to break that boundary? What if I let that someone in, and suddenly he broke my trust and escaped from me? What would I do then?

"I don't trust people. They hurt me before. They will hurt me again." I reminded myself, of all the pain I had when dealing with human-beings.

"Then, just keep living in your world and never come out. People don't need to see you, they will never appreciate what you have. Bury yourself in your own grave, for there will be more to discover about yourself." The angel talked to me again.

I looked at the razor I held in my grip for so long. I had been carrying this razor, as a company to my loneliness, so that when I felt melancholic and estranged, it was there for me to cheer me up with the glimpse of the crimson flowing river upon my hands.

"Yeah, it's time for me to go, for real. I need to be in my own space. Farewell world, now I am really dead to the world."

Finally, this story ended with a suicide note and a corpse, bleeding till death.


Behind these lively eyes,
they hides a thousand cries.

Behind these evil eyes,
they hides a numerous lies.

Behind these sad eyes,
they hides so many sighs.

Indeed, here she is,
hiding under the shadow
just to be unknown
to the one she loves the most

So that he cannot see right through her.
So that he cannot see how much she's hurting.
So that he cannot see why she is crying everyday.

Her heart is fragile
but her heart is agile
He can easily hurt her
but the pain will recover
as soon as he whispers
those three words to her....

Dreamland

Like every other grieving poets,
I spent days and nights wandering
alone in my own dreamland
just to see if I could find you there

But
the fictional memories
we both had throughout this time
were just a fantasy
ignored and full of lies
I realized now
it's better to lost you
if this is what love means

For too long I have been waiting
for our rendezvous
in my own dreamland
I am hopping you would come
and be with me in this beautiful nightmare

Too late now,
you're gone and I am still here.



The Treachery


the smell of his fragrance
reminds me of the peaceful bliss
how the touch of his skin
is felt upon my naked body
every touch and every kiss
bring me to the sense of eternity

cliche as it sounds, but
every time his face comes
to visit me in my dreams
i feel so alive and in love
so delusional just like a child
who just learn to be in love

but, he is not mine to love
he is just someone I want
but I cannot have
he comes to me when
he has no one to be with
he seeks for temporary pleasure from me
and then he will walk away,
leaving memories on my doorstep

painful, it is too painful to ever think of
because I am just a lover
for a handsome man like him....